Love, after Valentine’s Day.

It has been a while. I’ve been busy picking up shifts, and working doubles the past month, while trying to balance school and an actual life. To be honest, my actual life is composed of commuting to school, trying to get decent grades, and hustling for good tips.

Today was another triple, since it’s Saturday. I haven’t had a decent sleep for the past three weeks, especially last night because Josh kept snoring. Now I know how he feels. Anyway, I spent another solid 12 hours at work today. My coworkers think I’m nuts for working the dinner shift, but I got bills to pay and groceries to buy. Thank heavens for free Starbucks.

Like another night after work, I drink a beer or two to relax, and I go on social media to see what I’ve missed the entire day. Guess what? LANA DEL REY RELEASED A NEW SONG! The new single is called Love. Two beers in, and I listened for it for the first time. Like always, she made me feel feelings I’ve buried deep within. Goddamn.

You get ready, you get all dressed up
To go nowhere in particular
Back to work or the coffee shop
Doesn’t matter cause it’s enough

giphy

I have always struggled with that word. ENOUGH. Even in my youth, I have never felt enough. My parents kept pushing me harder, and I still believe they did it with good intentions (even when I feel like it messed me up). For a long time, I struggled with seeing myself through others, and projecting that dissatisfaction on the people around me. I still feel that way sometimes, but since I figured the problem is within myself, it’s easier to catch.

I am enough for me, and that’s all that matters. I’m bitchy enough. I’m strong enough. I’m pleasant enough. I’m the right combination of what I want to be at the moment I am in. Right now, I’m a weird fusion of happy and sad because of this song.

It doesn’t matter if I’m not enough
For the future or the things to come

This is my new anthem. Although I may say that with pretty much all her new music… her music is like a time capsule that brings me back to a time I’ve forgotten, while still keeping me grounded in the present.

And here’s the most accurate representation of how I am:

giphy1

 

/I may not have made any sense, and I apologize. I’m on my fourth beer./

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