If you want it, then I want it.

My favourite songs tend to have lyrics that move me or hit my core to the extent that I am reminded of feelings and fears I have buried deep down and tried to forget. I tend to value the words in a song more than the beat or the music itself simply because I don’t know much about music, just text. The beat and the rhythm add to the emotion that I feel from the words. And with all of it combined, I lose myself.

Lykke Li‘s going to release a new album on the 8th, and from the songs she’s released and teased early this year, I know it will tear me apart just like I Never Learn did four years ago. “No Rest For The Wicked” is and will always be my song (among others), but when I heard “utopia”, a few tears were shed right before I added it to my main playlist.

 

I see, I see, I see a light in your eyes and I want it
It’s burning bright like a fire from a comet
Take your heart out the box, I won’t harm it
If you want it then I want it

We could be utopia, utopia
You and me, utopia, utopia

There’s an old Tagalog saying that is the equivalent of “if there’s a will, there’s a way”, but I like the Tagalog one more. Kung gusto, may paraan; kung ayaw, may dahilan. It can be translated to: If you want it, you’ll find a way, and if you don’t, you’ll find an excuse.

It’s probably the only Tagalog saying I live by and it’s how I see the world around me.

If you want it, you’ll figure something out. Whether it is to take that job, to buy that dress, to make it to that concert, or to see that person. And you will (always) find an excuse when you don’t want to. Because if you think it’s worth the trouble, you’ll accept the consequences.

If you want it, you will find a way. If you want it enough, you will make it happen. Then Lykke Li says this:

If you want it, then I want it.

and it’s like she opened me up and found what I’ve been hiding inside. I know what I want but I will not say it out loud until I know you want it too. Because I have this fear of laying myself bare and realizing it’s not going to work out and I’d have to do it all again. I am tired and exhausted from the never-ending cycle of the honeymoon followed by the disappointment and separation.

giphy

This is why I once joked that the next time I open up to someone is during my autopsy. It may be a horrible joke to make but hey, some days I feel like I’m dead inside so I’m almost there – no?

A friend and I often joke about the regret in dvsn‘s music. Every time I listen to it or whenever he does, we send each other snaps with the caption “who hurt you?” because if you’ve listened to “Body Smile” or “Hallucinations” (I fucking love those songs) you’ll know  whoever wrote it got hurt pretty fucking bad.

Then I listen Lykke Li’s music again and think: “WHO HURT YOU??”

Take your heart out the box, I won’t harm it
If you want it then I want it

I keep my heart shut in a box with multiple barriers surrounding it. But I know I can take them down in a heartbeat if I want to… I am just afraid.

With you, I feel like I am in utopia. And that terrifies me but gives me hope at the same time.

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