to the best investment that saved my sanity

Back in 2019, I picked up this console for myself as an early present. I got it in the summer, anticipating to mainly use it when the new Pokemon game comes out six months later. I barely used it until December of that year, when I actually got into Breath of the Wild.

When lockdown began three months later, this little thing became my lifeline. Both my sister and my boyfriend convinced me into getting the new Animal Crossing game, since they thought it would be up my alley – low stakes, adorable characters, and a simulation game of sorts. Sure enough, the island life agreed with me. It also allowed me to “hang out” with my sister while we were both locked down in two different cities.

It became my way of staying connected and socializing with others. I’d have some friends visit my island, or I’ll visit theirs. We’d hang out for a bit if someone’s got shooting stars. I’d shop at their tailors’ if they have something cute that day. Even if it’s only for half an hour, it was still something to take me “out” of isolation.

Fast forward to my cancer diagnosis, and my Switch has been my best friend and my lifeline.

Continue reading “to the best investment that saved my sanity”

the reverse bucket list

When we’re about the reach a milestone, creating a bucket list is a common suggestion. As someone who calms herself through organization, a bucket list is pretty much a to-do list with a different timeline. A to-do list we create so that the event that happens at the deadline is a lot less daunting. It can be longer or shorter, just depends on when you started it and when you need it done.

I was watching Our Friend one night, and there was a part where Dakota Johnson’s character, Nicole, started her bucket list after being told that her cancer’s turned terminal. She managed to check off the items on her list with the help of her family and friends (and a proper use of the cancer card), and it was probably the last happy bit of the movie before everything turned real and dark. Overall, I thought the film was more realistic in its representation of what it’s like, but I could go on about it and maybe I’ll save it for its own post.

But back to bucket lists.

When I turned 25, I made a “before I turn 30” bucket list. I remember feeling an enormous amount of pressure from my own damn self in 2018, because I still haven’t crossed a thing off. The list was the embodiment of my anxiety towards aging, and completing items off the list was my way of conquering that dread. On the other end of it, the pressure was because I didn’t want to “fail” and be a thirty-year-old with an incomplete bucket list. I’ve lost that list since I was 28, but in the end I think I got two or three of the five or six things. There were also other significant goals that were achieved, although I didn’t think of writing them down at the time. Perhaps they weren’t “proper” goals to my 25-year-old self. Not proper enough to ease my worries about turning thirty at least.

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not here to inspire

I have a love-hate relationship with Inspirational Cancer Stories. They’re great for giving hope for someone who’s gone down a Google rabbit-hole of looking up a bad prognosis. I have personally looked for stories of people with a similar diagnosis in the Profiles sections of the LLS site while I was sitting in the chemo recliner, waiting for my three-hour infusion to finish. It’s good to know that someone else has made it too, especially if the the odds are grim.

But just like influencers on social media, cancer “influencers” tend to be all perfect and happy and their lives are roses. A lot like how cancer is portrayed in larger media. It’s usually a feel-good, inspirational story of “overcoming”.

When in reality, it’s a period of survival and facing your own mortality.

Continue reading “not here to inspire”

adulthood is a scam.

I think many of us, if not all, wanted to grow up and be adults as fast as we can. We wanted that fast-track to freedom. Being told “you’re so mature” was a huge compliment from people we considered adults.

For me, the moment my parents responded with “you can buy it with your own money” when I asked for a little treat on a random day, I realized the freedom that adults have. You mean I don’t have to ask permission to buy ice cream? I just… buy it?

But of course, being an adult is so much more than that.

I’ve gone to mention this a few times since I turned 25-ish… adulthood is a scam! The bills, the rent, the prices of kitchenware and spices and household furnishings… the price of owning a home! We can’t afford shit.

But there’s one other thing no one ever warned us about when we reach “adulthood”: our parents (and other parent-figures in our lives) get older.

It starts with you slowly realizing in your 20’s that, hey, mom and dad are just figuring life out too. There’s no guidebook or instruction manual to living life. They’ve made mistakes, and worked with what they’ve got, and that’s what you’re doing too. Wild!

Continue reading “adulthood is a scam.”

cosmic relief.

I was raised Catholic, so it should be obvious that I don’t really believe in religion anymore, right? Ah, but don’t tell my grandparents!

I started questioning the religious practices we had to follow when I was a teenager. Why do I have to go to confession when God sees everything anyway? Why do I have to give something up for Lent when my non-Catholic friends didn’t have to? Why do I have to sit in church on Sundays and listen to some man’s lecture? Why can’t I point out loopholes in the Bible or in the “teachings” of church? I slowly became uncomfortable with the indoctrination.

Life and death is out of our control and understanding. That’s why many of us turn to a belief system to cope with this reality. We tell ourselves that the stars have decided our future before we were born. Whether it’s Astrology or Christianity, crystals or crosses… these are some of the ways we deal with our anxiety of the unknown.

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too young to be sick.

Cancer is a lonely disease and it’s fucking depressing. I found solace in cancer social media, especially AYA (Adolescent and Young Adult) cancer social media where the memes are hot and the dark humour brightens up my day. It has been comforting to read and hear stories similar to mine, of lives interrupted by this beast of a disease at a time when our adult lives are about to get started. This age is supposed to be the prime of our lives, but now it’s a period of devastation.

It’s an odd group to be in. We’re too old for pediatric cancer, but also told we’re too young have cancer. Yet here we are, sitting in a room of mostly older patients accompanied by their children or grandchildren. We’ve been mistaken as a caregiver or visitor, until we show our hospital bracelets to prove them wrong.

Continue reading “too young to be sick.”

positivity isn’t enough

It’s hard to talk to someone who’s going through cancer or grief, we get it. But for the love of all things beautiful, don’t give us advice or “inspirational quotes” when we’re not asking for it.

I am tired of the toxic positivity from people who aren’t genuine when they “check in”. Stop calling me your hero or your inspiration. My experience doesn’t need to be meaningful or inspiring for my existence to be worthy. I am just trying to continue living. There’s nothing else to it.

“God gives the hardest battles to His toughest soldiers.”

So if I was weaker, I could have continued to have a normal life? I could have had the option to have biological children? I could have lived the rest of my life not terrified of a relapse for the years that follow if I survive?

“You don’t look sick.”

I’ve lost my hair, and a bald head is probably a cancer trademark. So I do kind of look the part. But I get it, you want to say I am more responsive, I look like I got more energy, I’m smiling more, I have more of an appetite, I don’t look like I’m struggling to exist… say that. I “don’t look sick” because this is a better day than others, but I am still sick. Don’t deny it. It still exists even if you can’t see.

“At least you get time off work.”

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it grows back. but you can’t go back.

You were told about all of the possible side effects of the chemotherapy. You know of one of them the longest because it’s the one you’ve seen in the world during the earlier part of your life. You know you will lose your hair.

Your doctor said that it happens after the first two weeks. You know what to expect, and you get one of the nurses to chop your hair off to make it easier when the hair loss starts. The plan is to shorten it, then buzz it off once the hair loss gets too much. One of the other patients who was there before you has warned you that the hair will be everywhere.

So you wait.

Day 16 comes, and you wake up with some of your hair stuck on your pillows, and plenty all over your shirt. It’s happening.

You brush your hair to see if it will help, but you realize it will only keep getting more and more hair because they’re not sticking to your scalp anymore. You stop. You wonder how long you can keep your hair since it’s thick. Peeking in the trash, it looks like you lost a lot of hair, but the hair on your head still looks the same as yesterday.

Continue reading “it grows back. but you can’t go back.”

bad blood.

As an adult, you become responsible for yourself. You buy your own groceries, cook your own food, wash your own dishes, and clean your own home. You call maintenance when something’s not working right in your apartment, like the radiator knocking. The worst part is calling the doctor when something isn’t feeling right. You’re still alive and breathing, nothing alarming, maybe a tiny concern… but what do you even tell the doctor?

You do it anyway. You describe how you’re feeling, as best you can, in the fifteen minutes you have them on the phone. You sigh in relief when they order bloodwork and send a referral for physiotherapist for that stiff neck you’ve been living with. Finally, things are moving and you can get some answers.

You get woken up the next day by a call from your doctor’s office, but he’s not your doctor. He tells you that your bloodwork came back and the results are very low. He urges you to go to Emergency, and that they would be able to help you. You don’t understand the urgency of the situation, so you have a bit of breakfast for some sustenance and slowly get ready.

But you could only move slow. Each breath you take seems finite. You wear the coziest sweatpants, which didn’t take much effort to put on. You make sure you have your phone and your IDs on you so you won’t have to run (or crawl) back for them.

You manage to park across the street from the hospital, but walking across the street still gassed you out three-quarters of the way. You beg your boyfriend for a quick break so you could catch your breath. It’s funny when your body’s telling you something but it gets lost in translation. You need people like doctors and nurses translating for you.

You have shortness of breath and you’ve had a cough for a week now, but you know it isn’t COVID because you got tested not long ago. You tell the screener your predicament, and he makes you wait to be called in. You tell your boyfriend to wait in the car while you find out how long this is going to take and they don’t allow visitors or companions inside because of the pandemic.

A triage nurse calls you in and you describe everything you’re feeling. She says you’ll get some transfusions and you’ll be good as new, but each bag of blood takes about a couple hours and you would need three or four. So you text your man, tell him to go home while he waits and you’ll let him know when you’re done.

You get set up in a room by yourself. A nurse comes in to chat with you while taking some blood so that the hospital can run their own tests. He also asks you to pee in a cup to make sure you’re not pregnant, and the bathroom is around the corner from your room. You make an attempt but nothing would come out, and you come back to the room almost gasping for air.

An hour later, a doctor shows up. He asks you how long have you been feeling unwell and you tell him the truth – it didn’t get this bad until December, but looking back, it may have started in September or even before. He then starts talking about the results of their bloodwork… and you hear a statement you’ve only seen on tv and movies.

“These numbers are concerning because they are consistent with cancer.”

Continue reading “bad blood.”

working on gifting warmth

Learning how to crochet began with wanting to make little items for our little apartment. Dishcloths. Coasters. Hotpads. Swiffer covers. Just small items that we could reuse. I ended up making two hot pads using two $3 balls of cotton yarn instead of spending over $15 for oven mitts. We’ve stopped buying disposable sponges and swiffer pads, and just cycle through crocheted cotton dishcloths and rags in the washer. Honestly, the goal was just to practice my crochet stitches, so these small projects were perfect. Being able to minimize waste (if we actually were, really) was a bonus.

With Christmas coming up, and from finding beautiful yarn on the internet, I decided to take on bigger projects for presents. I didn’t want to overwhelm myself with wearables like sweaters or cardigans – maybe next year. So shawls, scarves and blankets became the plan that began in late August.

I ordered cakes of gorgeous yarn for my birthday. Yes, cakes! Massive rolls are actually called cakes – just the perfect gift! For me and for my family… eventually.

Continue reading “working on gifting warmth”