Job hunting is like dating

I’m sure someone has said that before, because it’s true. Whether you’re a fresh grad like me or looking for a new job after working in your last company for 10+ years, finding a new job is a lot like finding a new boyfriend.

I’ve been out of school since May last year, and I’ve put off my job hunt because I knew I’d be going way for my trip to Asia and I wanted to enjoy some time off before I get in the corporate world.

Luckily I got approved for repayment assistance on my student loans and I can put off paying them back for another six months… for now. I wasn’t in a hurry to leave my restaurant job anyway, so I didn’t see a problem with it. But I couldn’t do that forever (I think the NSLSC only allows you to do that a total of 4 times – essentially putting off payments for two years).

So with car payments, credit card bills, insurance, and all the rest of it, I knew I needed a full time job soon. Instead of going with a “new year, new me” mantra, I went with:

NEW YEAR, NEW JOB.

And as soon as I pulled up my resume, which I haven’t updated for a year, I felt the same anxiety I got last year when I decided I’d to try dating again. Because why not, right?

It was like that time I had Bumble, matched with a cute guy, and gathered up the courage to say something clever as an opening line. I was so stressed and embarrassed that barely a second after hitting send, I deleted the app and never reinstalled it. I don’t know if that guy responded. Hell, for all I know, it might have been a bot.

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Progress.

Last month was tough. The dark days became even darker and stronger, like waves that crashed harder as they came. It was exhausting. I felt defeated every single day. I found myself in a place I thought I would never go back to thirteen years ago, and I knew then that I had to do something. It took one crazy, spontaneous, emotionally-charged trip across town, two full days laying in bed with no desire to leave, and three major emotional breakdowns to finally get a clear mind.

I’ve since pulled myself together, but I still don’t have my shit together. I’m still in that place of uncertainty which triggers my anxiety every now and then. But now, I am slowly embracing the uncertainty because change comes with it.

Looking back on last year’s journal entries made me realize how much I have changed and accomplished since then. It doesn’t seem like much now, but last year’s me would have been happy with these little-but-significant changes that I’m learning of incorporating into my own life:

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I found Nemo!

I had a couple bad days last week. I want to blame PMS for the emotional roller coaster, but it feels like a cop out. I’m sure it played into it. I do get a little batshit crazy or insanely emotional over the couple days leading up to my period. Some months are easier than others because when I anticipate the PMS and the emotional roller coaster, I can control it.

But last week, I cried at a commercial that involved dogs and babies. I also cried so much while watching episode 8 from the new season of Westworld the week before. I mean, no spoilers, but if you know me enough, stories about (lost) love is my shit. I live for it. It was no surprise I enjoyed that episode. But I carried the emotions from watching that episode over to the new week and well… emotions and hormones plus dogs and babies?

Also some other things that I’ve kept bottled up inside resurfaced and I was overwhelmed with my own crazy thoughts. I feel lucky to have a friend who suggested going to Mount Nemo to clear my head and also do a Canadian summer activity at the same time.

After a short shift at the restaurant, I went home, slathered sunscreen on my skin, packed both of my Swell bottles, strapped on my good old Nikes and went off on a little adventure.

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Bang! Tan! Sonyeondan!

Sometime late in October last year, a kpop group called BTS sparked my curiosity.

My four-year kpop phase ended in 2009, when members left my favourite groups because of a “scandal” or a lawsuit. Jay Park (then called Jaebeom) left 2PM. Hangeng left Super Junior. Jaejoong, Yoochun and Junsu left TVXQ. They were my original kpop loves, and the losses broke my heart, so I did what any other jaded person does and swore off the genre completely.

I didn’t think I’d get sucked into a fandom because I’m in my mid-twenties and I got over kpop almost a decade ago.

But here I am now, wishing I owned an ARMY bomb so I can wave it around when I go to the BTS concert in Hamilton on September. I’m not back on my old kpop phase though. I only follow Bangtan, similar to how I follow my favourite artists.

Quickly: How I feel into the rabbitARMY hole.

First, I went on YouTube and watched a couple music videos, because I heard they’re good dancers. I wanted to see if it’s true or just fans blinded by their love for their oppas. Then before their appearance on the AMAs, I wanted to know their names. Like, if I can learn each one of the 13 members of SuJu, I can learn 7, right?

Because watching groups and trying to figure out who’s who feels a lot like this:

One hour and maybe 10 videos later, I learned their stage names, real names, and a few BTS memes. One week later, I was a closet ARMY, secretly listening to a “BTS Essentials” playlist on Apple Music during my commute to and from school. After Googling translations of the songs one day, I knew I’ll be a fan until the end. Hell, I’m stanning them harder than I did SuJu or 2PM. And eventually, I came out to my family sometime during the holidays.

To be quite honest, their music helped me a lot late last year. So on this day, their 5th anniversary as a group, I’m dedicating this post to the seven songs that got me through the last eight months…

7. Tomorrow

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Be your own (fucking) hero.

I am writing this as I play BTS’s “Anpanman” on repeat and after watching the latest episode of Boku No Hero Academia with my sister. After the episode, I was telling her how this one BTS song from the new album gives me massive Hero Aca vibes.

Heroes are something we’ve always had around us growing up. They’re mostly in fiction – from Sailor Moon and Cardcaptor Sakura to Frodo Baggins and Harry Potter. There’s always something special about those characters – something mere mortals like myself thought I didn’t possess – that made them heroes.

As a kid, when shit happened, I would wish I had something special about myself too. Or knew someone who had it, so I can be saved. Growing up on Disney movies conditioned me to wanting a knight in shining armour or a prince charming to save me.

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But why can’t I save myself? Why do I feel the need for someone else to do it for me, when I know I have the potential to do it better?

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If you want it, then I want it.

My favourite songs tend to have lyrics that move me or hit my core to the extent that I am reminded of feelings and fears I have buried deep down and tried to forget. I tend to value the words in a song more than the beat or the music itself simply because I don’t know much about music, just text. The beat and the rhythm add to the emotion that I feel from the words. And with all of it combined, I lose myself.

Lykke Li‘s going to release a new album on the 8th, and from the songs she’s released and teased early this year, I know it will tear me apart just like I Never Learn did four years ago. “No Rest For The Wicked” is and will always be my song (among others), but when I heard “utopia”, a few tears were shed right before I added it to my main playlist.

I see, I see, I see a light in your eyes and I want it
It’s burning bright like a fire from a comet
Take your heart out the box, I won’t harm it
If you want it then I want it

We could be utopia, utopia
You and me, utopia, utopia

There’s an old Tagalog saying that is the equivalent of “if there’s a will, there’s a way”, but I like the Tagalog one more. Kung gusto, may paraan; kung ayaw, may dahilan. It can be translated to: If you want it, you’ll find a way, and if you don’t, you’ll find an excuse. Continue reading “If you want it, then I want it.” →

Hungry for good things.

We all have a hunger

Florence + The Machine is one of my favourite artists of all time. Ceremonials got me through some rough times, especially “Shake It Out”, “No Light, No Light”, and “Never Let Me Go”. Even back when I never paid for music, I spent my hard-earned McDonald’s money on all the albums because I love her music that much. The lyrics speak to the core of my broken soul. The melody mends my fractured spirit and lifts it back up to where the light is. When I have my dark days, I put on Ceremonials on repeat until I am cleansed of the darkness.
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