Last month was tough. The dark days became even darker and stronger, like waves that crashed harder as they came. It was exhausting. I felt defeated every single day. I found myself in a place I thought I would never go back to thirteen years ago, and I knew then that I had to do something. It took one crazy, spontaneous, emotionally-charged trip across town, two full days laying in bed with no desire to leave, and three major emotional breakdowns to finally get a clear mind.
I’ve since pulled myself together, but I still don’t have my shit together. I’m still in that place of uncertainty which triggers my anxiety every now and then. But now, I am slowly embracing the uncertainty because change comes with it.
Looking back on last year’s journal entries made me realize how much I have changed and accomplished since then. It doesn’t seem like much now, but last year’s me would have been happy with these little-but-significant changes that I’m learning of incorporating into my own life:
Continue reading “Progress.”
Well… that’s not entirely true. Some things in life come easy, and that’s when you know it’s where you’re supposed to be. If it feels natural. If you feel like you belong. Like a good laugh, or a good conversation with a friend. Or the moment when you first meet someone, and it seems like you’ve known each other from a time long ago that you just get along so well. The same may be said for the opposite – when getting along is just so difficult that you know you’re not meant to be in each other’s lives.
But why do people still say “nothing good comes easy” with some things?
How do you distinguish between an obstacle to overcome and a wall blocking the way because it’s not meant for you? How do you know when to fight for it and when to give up?
I am writing this as I play BTS’s “Anpanman” on repeat and after watching the latest episode of Boku No Hero Academia with my sister. After the episode, I was telling her how this one BTS song from the new album gives me massive Hero Aca vibes.
Heroes are something we’ve always had around us growing up. They’re mostly in fiction – from Sailor Moon and Cardcaptor Sakura to Frodo Baggins and Harry Potter. There’s always something special about those characters – something mere mortals like myself thought I didn’t possess – that made them heroes.
As a kid, when shit happened, I would wish I had something special about myself too. Or knew someone who had it, so I can be saved. Growing up on Disney movies conditioned me to wanting a knight in shining armour or a prince charming to save me.
But why can’t I save myself? Why do I feel the need for someone else to do it for me, when I know I have the potential to do it better?
Continue reading “Be your own (fucking) hero.”
My favourite songs tend to have lyrics that move me or hit my core to the extent that I am reminded of feelings and fears I have buried deep down and tried to forget. I tend to value the words in a song more than the beat or the music itself simply because I don’t know much about music, just text. The beat and the rhythm add to the emotion that I feel from the words. And with all of it combined, I lose myself.
Lykke Li‘s going to release a new album on the 8th, and from the songs she’s released and teased early this year, I know it will tear me apart just like I Never Learn did four years ago. “No Rest For The Wicked” is and will always be my song (among others), but when I heard “utopia”, a few tears were shed right before I added it to my main playlist.
I see, I see, I see a light in your eyes and I want it
It’s burning bright like a fire from a comet
Take your heart out the box, I won’t harm it
If you want it then I want it
We could be utopia, utopia
You and me, utopia, utopia
There’s an old Tagalog saying that is the equivalent of “if there’s a will, there’s a way”, but I like the Tagalog one more. Kung gusto, may paraan; kung ayaw, may dahilan. It can be translated to: If you want it, you’ll find a way, and if you don’t, you’ll find an excuse. Continue reading “If you want it, then I want it.”
We all have a hunger
Florence + The Machine is one of my favourite artists of all time. Ceremonials got me through some rough times, especially “Shake It Out”, “No Light, No Light”, and “Never Let Me Go”. Even back when I never paid for music, I spent my hard-earned McDonald’s money on all the albums because I love her music that much. The lyrics speak to the core of my broken soul. The melody mends my fractured spirit and lifts it back up to where the light is. When I have my dark days, I put on Ceremonials on repeat until I am cleansed of the darkness.
Continue reading “Hungry for good things.”
[Trigger Warning: self-harm]
No Exit is the first existentialist work I’ve read by Jean-Paul Sartre. I had to read it for a philosophy class in my second year, and it acknowledged my idea of an afterlife that is pretty much in limbo. It’s about three damned souls in a hotel room, waiting for the punishment of the sins they’ve committed when they were alive. Only there was no fiery abyss, no torture chamber… so what was the punishment? I remember one line that read:
“Hell is other people”
And they’re meant to basically suffer in each other’s company for all eternity. They’re dead, so they cannot die again even if they stab themselves over and over. Shit like that can drive you mad. At least I believe so.
And as the title suggests, there’s no exit. No end to their suffering.
There are many moments I find myself searching for an escape.
Continue reading “Escaping out the ‘Fire Exit’”
Remember when I declared finishing Tolstoy’s War & Peace (by reading one chapter a day) my one and only 2018 goal? Well…
I am about 350 pages behind on my reading.
Right now, I’m (jokingly) calling it as giving up my one and only resolution for Lent. I’m not even religious anymore, so it was a terrible joke to tell my traditional Asian parents to say the least. Sure, I pray from time to time because it’s therapeutic… but I haven’t gone to church in years. Not even for Christmas. Or New Year’s. So if that even counts as a thing to give up for Lent… no? I’m going to Hell? Yeah. I already know.
Anyway… Continue reading “I gave up my resolution for Lent.”
A few months back, my grandma stayed with us and I found her cooking dinner in the kitchen one afternoon. I had a terrible day at work, and my family isn’t the “let’s talk about it” type. I do not communicate my emotions well, or sometimes I find I just can’t do it well. So I grabbed a bottle and drank the problems away.
My grandmother saw me, her 20-something granddaughter, drinking a tall glass of beer alone at 5 in the afternoon. I saw her give my glass a look, that little, judgy, disapproving look that all grandmothers serve, then go back to her cooking. Part of me felt like I disappointed her a bit for following my grandfather’s footsteps (but he’s good now, he doesn’t have a drinking problem anymore).
In my head, I channelled my inner Brandi.
When I find myself having writer’s block, I reach for a glass. When I’m feeling shitty, I pop a cork open. When I get disappointed (yet again) by another person, I grab a cold one. When I want to celebrate not spitting on some entitled, rude douchebag’s food, I DRINK TO THAT. Continue reading “How I deal (spoiler alert: it is not good).”
A few weeks ago, I started this draft after talking to my cousin who is also a writer. It was a little rant-slash-conversation about dating and men after I had an all-out, unfiltered conversation with my best friend over the same topic.
Relationships are tough. Dating is difficult. I hate “going out there” and “making myself marketable” for the sake of “not living the rest of my life alone”. Pardon the overuse of the quotations, it’s just I don’t necessarily agree with those. To an extent.
Because I am “out there”—or here, I guess, wherever the fuck here may be. I am not closing doors (except the ones I’ve closed behind me). And I don’t have to make myself marketable. I’m not changing who I am to fit someone’s idea of a partner
but role playing is a thing I am open to, but there is a time and place for that. And I’m not going to smile more so that people find me more approachable—I know I have a resting bitch face, DEAL WITH IT. Finally, I do not mind being alone. I will have my (future) dogs. And modernity and technology have made it so I can have kids either though artificial insemination or through adoption, the latter of which I prefer better.
And like I said, dating is difficult.
Continue reading “Dating game.”
I’m reviving this blog because, I want to. I didn’t really stop writing, I simply went back to writing more on my personal journal since I had to go through some things. Since I’ve gotten my life in order (sort of), I’m gonna try this blogging thing again.
So, what happened since my NYC trip eight months ago?
I started my fourth year of undergrad, and I’m currently on my final semester. Despite my age, I’m not really rushing into getting into “typical adulthood”. Fuck that. I’m going to live my life on a pace I am comfortable with. Kids? Marriage? No thank you, at least not now. If I hear any “biological clock ticking” from anyone, I will shove that clock–ok no, but I don’t care about no damn clock. There’s no race. I’ll get there when I get there.
For now, I am alive and that it all that matters.
“Love yourself. Love myself. Peace.” – Suga